Equilibrium
Stop squeezing the balloon.
We lie to ourselves
to avoid pain
we hide from the truth
because it scares us
we avoid decisions
so that we won’t fail
we shame ourselves
to prove we’re unworthy
we leave no room for happiness.
so that we won’t be disappointed.
we feign incompetence and worthlessness
to stay small and safe
we let others hurt us
so that we can play the victim
all in an effort to achieve equilibrium.
To create an outer world that is in balance with our inner world and with the voices and feelings, we have internalized.
To alter this story we have to experience major discomfort. We might have to stretch for an external experience that is counterintuitive. Perhaps a better word might be, unnatural or even abnormal.
We would have to place ourselves out of alignment with the identity of damaged, broken, undeserving, unworthy — but always trying to get better, trying to redeem ourselves but never doing quite enough — or crashing horribly to earth with each attempt to climb beyond our self-imposed limits.
We may start to romanticize this existence. That our struggle is somehow heroic. It might be if the struggle actually involved leaving this cycle in which we find so much self-destructive comfort.
Instead, we play a little game of pretending we want things to change only to quickly retreat back to the place of equilibrium.
Now, some grace. We probably did not ask for these messages or the emotional and psychological inputs that led to this perpetual cycle. The fact that we have held up pretty well and managed to maintain some capacity for living well, performing at work, caring for my family and doing some good in the world shows that there is a part of us that is strong, courageous, hopeful, wise, loving and capable. This is no less true than the voice that reminds us of our limitations.
In fact, if we were willing to believe them, many people have spoken into our life telling us that we are a good soul, talented, gifted, helpful, gracious, supportive, smart, wise, etc. It would probably do us some good to listen to these voices in the same manner and with the same consideration as the voices that tell us we are broken.
Our memories are mostly stories that inflate our failures, minimize the good we have done and seem to be oriented around the idea that everyone else in the story was good and life would be great if we had not screwed things up. In reality, this is hardly the truth. Are there choices we would like to reconsider? Yes. Welcome to the human race.
There are many situations and emotions inside us that need attention. They need love and support. They need action. They need resolution or at least to be explored and then released. This is something we cannot do in a cloud of distraction, anger, anxiety, and sadness. Lying to ourselves and others is also getting us no closer to a better experience. All of this, in the effort to maintain equilibrium.
The first thing to go must be the distraction. The persistent choice to numb our mind and hide from the truth, from our heart, our emotions, and our fears by grasping anything that will take us away from what we are feeling and the attention or actions those feelings demand. This is not to say all these feelings are healthy and deserve to be acted upon but they do need to be heard. They need acknowledgment. Support. Love. Wisdom.
No amount of thinking or not thinking will show us the way. There is no perfect way. There is just a choice. Stay where you are and be content. But if you are not content then get up and start walking. Take that first step. Between the demands and the distractions, there is no room for anything else. No space for change. But plenty of equilibrium.
We are not broken or wrong for feeling this way. All humanity seeks equilibrium.
Every relationship. Every story. Every movie.
We long for equilibrium. A purpose to counterbalance our sense of meaninglessness. Hope to offset our loss. Love to fill the emptiness. Chemicals to relieve our anxiety. Anger at persons or social constructs to offset our fear of uncertainty. It’s not possible to live otherwise. We cannot avoid this need to balance our inner and outer world.
The only option we have is to move the point of equilibrium. To shift the energy. To create space or pressure that upsets the balance so that we are forced to adapt and learn and grow and break the pattern.
We are tired and bored and unhappy because we are stuck. Not because we are ungrateful or negative. We can be grateful for what is good in this time of our life and still know there are things that need to change. That we need to change.
We have been here in one form or another for a long time. Maybe we’ve tried a lot of stupid ways to break the equilibrium and they mostly succeeded in tightening its grip in the long run because they were based on running away, not pushing through.
The learned helplessness we embraced as a child is a voice reminding us that we must focus on survival. That other people are more important than we are. That it’s better to just go with the flow. Stay low and hopefully, the storm will pass or someone will come along to save us.
This is the voice we must come to terms with. This is the child we must take by the hand and invite to walk with us as we leave this small, dark room to explore the wider world.
To shift the point of equilibrium.
